WEEK 105


As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
— Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought— particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it’s all over much too soon.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Let’s see what Robert Brault has to say this week on relationships on his blog “The New Robert Brault Reader.”
“In every relationship there are situations you need to talk through — and situations where you need to be through talking.”
The principal motivation to make a relationship better is that there is no conceivable way it will stay the way it is.”
“Nothing becomes as good as it can be until it has survived the thing most likely to destroy it.”
In relationships, the rule, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is a good reason to break it every now and then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "To stay in a relationship rather than hurt your partner is probably not love, though it may seem that way to an outside observer."

 "Marriage has this in common with riding a Brahma bull -- that its success is judged less on style points than duration."

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back”

 A  gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.

 Without geography, you're nowhere.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

 Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 The chicken came first — God would look silly sitting on an egg.

 When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

 I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.