Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.”
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Don’t be so humble - you are not that great.
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
Can we actually “know” the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind — a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.
It’s not that I’m a Type‑B personality. It’s that I’m driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy.
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and “righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.
I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. And yes, I know this was a repeat but some jokes deserve to be repeated.
All generalizations are bad.The assumption being that this one is the exception.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. Another appropriate repeat.
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
Man was predestined to have free will. I saved my favorite one for last.