I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
— Will Rogers
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
— George Burns
My life needs editing.
— Mort Sahl
My only regret in life is that I am not someone else.
— Woody Allen
Men are only as loyal as their options.
— Bill Maher
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
— Bill Maher
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
— Robert Orben
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
— Don Rickles
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
— Don Rickles
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
— Robert Benchley
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
— Gloria Steinem
When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
— David Brenner
There’s always something funny about men chasing women.
— David Spade
There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted intelligent person making the right choices.
— Tim Heidecker
Everybody’s funny if you love them.
— Anna Toru
It’s funny in literature no one ever goes to the lavatory.
— Tom Baker