What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
— Oscar Levant
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
— John Wilmot
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
— Oscar Wilde
Just the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses.
— Carl Sagan
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
— Clarence Darrow
There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.
— Cyril Connolly
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
— Woody Allen
It’s funny how most activists are pacifists.
— Craig Bruce
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
— Steven Wright
The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, “What does a woman want?”
— Sigmund Freud
I found a great way to attract money... work!
— Curtis D. Tucker
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
— William James
Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don’t know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
— Colonel Flagg
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm(honestly, he really did get any respect).
— Rodney Dangerfield
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.
— Bo Derek
It a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
— W. Sommerset Morgan
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
— Jack Handey
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
— Groucho Marx
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
— Joan Rivers
Giving up smoking is easy...I’ve done it hundreds of times.
— Mark Twain
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
— Dave Edison
A rocket will never be able to leave the earth’s atmosphere.
— The New York Times